Last Times

I started this blog weeks ago, and re read it today and decided to finish and post it even though it's a bit outdated.  Such is life for me these days!

Today marks the first day of fall.  It was a beautiful, sunny 80 degree day.  School is in full swing and the days of summer vacation feel like ages ago.  We're starting to get used to our new morning routine.  Lilly gets on the school bus right in front of our house every morning at 8:32 and gets home in the afternoon at 3:45.  It's a long time to not have Lilly at home; I miss my little chatterbox and even after two weeks, all it takes is a baby photo of her to pop up on the computer for me to get teary eyed.  Jack if off at school from 9-12, which he just loves.  As soon as Lilly's bus pulls away, Jack grabs my hand and tells me that it's time to take him to school.  He still loves his maps and land and water forms, but is branching out and enjoying painting, cutting work, tracing shapes and has started coming home with lots of letter practice.  He gets to stay one day a week for lunch and taekwondo.  As he was carrying his backpack and lunchbox out the door on Monday, he turned to Hannah and said, "Bye Hannah.  You're probably going to miss me because I'm getting bigger so I get to have lunch at school sometimes..."  He was so proud and I could do nothing but smile.  Hannah is 2 going on 16.  Yesterday morning, when everyone was getting ready to walk Lilly out to the bus stop, Hannah stopped and turned to me and said, "Mom, when am I going to be 6?  It's taking forever and forever and forever."  She's dying to get on that bus with Lilly, while also not wanting to leave my side.  Eliza, at 15 weeks old, is smiling and laughing and sucking on her hands or her toes given any opportunity.  She sits in her bouncy chair in the morning, watching everyone have breakfast and get ready for school, kicking her legs and bouncing away.

In what little quiet time I have, I find myself torn between wanting certain phases of our daily life to pass, and trying to slow time down.  Then, this little voice in my head (usually Mum or Dad's) tells me that this is something I have no control over; I can't force a phase to pass or make time stop, so I take a step back and just try to be present.  Our daily life is busy; especially since the months since Eliza's arrival.  Being present and not trying to think of the 1449857839 things that are on my never-ending to do list is not always easy, but I remind myself as often as I can to just enjoy my days.

I love being a mum.  The hardest part for me is letting go.  I have to stop myself often from looking at Eliza and thinking, What if this is the last time I have a squishy little baby who spends her mornings sucking on her toes?  What if this is the last time I get to lie in bed and nurse a gorgeous baby who often stops eating to look up and smile at me?  What if I'm putting away all these tiny little baby clothes for the last time?  It's easy to see how I could get carried away.  More often than not, I never know when that last time is going to be.  I didn't know exactly the last time I swaddled Eliza; or when the last time was that I unwrapped her from her swaddle and watched one of those mega stretches where she uses her whole body.  I didn't know she was sleeping in her bassinet for the last time (the bassinet that Lilly, Jack and Hannah slept in as well).  I didn't know exactly when Lilly stopped saying "Wiwwy" or Jack stopped calling Lilly "Lala."  These were all just natural transitions that happened when the time was right.  I have to believe things happen this way for a reason.  If I let them, my days would be filled with so many last times, and as a busy mom with lots of postpartum hormones, the tears could be free flowing.

To keep myself from going crazy, I look ahead at all I have to look forward to.  I am often in awe at the little girl Lilly has grown into, and can't believe that one day, all four of these little ones will be school age.  While it's sad, it's also exciting.  I'm excited for a day when we can all sit down and play a board game by the fire without someone getting upset about not winning while someone else runs off with game pieces while I'm bouncing a crying baby in the bouncy chair next to me.  It will be fun to snuggle up on a cold weekend with a good book on the couch, while the little ones are all doing the same.  It will be fun to go on road trips and have animated discussions at the dinner table.  I can't wait to see where these four little people, who I love so much, will go in life.  I know that there is so much to look forward to, and that is what makes it easier to let go of so many last times.